Published: November 25, 2024
13 min readShadow Archetype: Drama Creator
The Triangulator involves third parties to avoid direct conflict or intimacy. Creates triangles to diffuse tension, spread responsibility, or maintain distance. Learned that direct communication was unsafe or ineffective.
This pattern typically develops in families where direct communication was dangerous, forbidden, or simply never modeled. Perhaps expressing needs directly led to punishment, or emotions were too intense to handle directly. The child learned to involve others as buffers, mediators, or allies in conflicts they couldn't face alone.
The Triangulator has become an expert at indirect communication, using others to send messages, gather information, or create alliances. What began as a survival strategy now creates the very drama and instability they often claim to hate.
The Triangulator brings friends, family, or therapists into couple conflicts. They might complain to others about their partner instead of addressing issues directly, or use children as messengers or allies against their partner.
The Triangulator creates coalitions within the family — aligning with one parent against another, or pulling siblings into conflicts. They become the family switchboard, collecting and distributing information while avoiding direct confrontation.
The Triangulator involves supervisors in peer conflicts, spreads concerns through office gossip rather than direct conversation, or uses meetings to address individual issues. They create complex webs of communication that bypass direct resolution.
The Triangulator's deepest shadow is their terror of direct, vulnerable communication. Beneath the complex communication patterns lives a part that desperately wants to be heard and understood, but doesn't trust that they can handle the intensity of direct connection.
"The Triangulator doesn't avoid direct communication because they don't care — they avoid it because they care too much to risk the potential rejection."
This creates exhausting complexity in relationships. Simple conversations become elaborate productions involving multiple people. The very strategy meant to make communication "safer" often makes it more dangerous by creating confusion, resentment, and broken trust.
Explore these questions with curiosity about your communication patterns:
Who do you bring into your relationship conflicts?
Friends, family members, therapists, even strangers online? Notice who you involve when you're upset with someone. What role do these third parties play in helping you avoid direct communication?
What conversations are you avoiding by involving others?
What needs to be said directly that you're saying to everyone except the person involved? What words are you afraid to speak face-to-face?
What feels dangerous about direct communication?
Rejection? Conflict? Intensity? Being misunderstood? Identify what you believe will happen if you speak directly, and question whether this fear is based in present reality or past wounds.
Living as The Triangulator creates significant consequences:
The Triangulator's life becomes unnecessarily complicated. Simple issues become elaborate sagas involving multiple people. They often become the center of drama they claim they don't want, exhausting themselves and others.
Others lose trust in The Triangulator because they never know when private conversations will be shared or when they'll be pulled into conflicts that aren't theirs. Relationships become superficial to protect against being triangulated.
Problems never get truly resolved because the people who need to communicate directly never do. The triangle provides temporary relief but prevents genuine resolution, keeping conflicts alive indefinitely.
True intimacy requires direct, vulnerable communication. The Triangulator's avoidance of directness prevents the deep connection they actually crave. They know everyone's business but are truly known by none.
Today's practice is about developing courage for direct, vulnerable communication:
Identify one triangulated situation. Commit to speaking directly to the person involved.
Notice your impulse to involve others or speak indirectly. Choose one issue where you've been complaining to others or avoiding direct conversation. Commit to speaking directly to the person involved.
Write what you need to say first. Practice radical directness.
Before the conversation, write out your actual needs, feelings, and requests. Practice saying them simply and directly. Notice how much shorter and clearer the message becomes without involving others.
End with this affirmation: "I can speak my truth directly with kindness. Direct communication is safer than I believe. I trust myself to handle whatever response comes."
Integrating The Triangulator shadow requires building tolerance for the vulnerability of direct communication. It's learning that you can speak your truth kindly but clearly, without needing others to mediate or buffer the conversation.
This journey requires patience with yourself. If direct communication felt dangerous in your past, your avoidance makes perfect sense. Start with low-stakes conversations and build your capacity for directness gradually.
Remember: The complexity of triangulation is often more emotionally exhausting than the temporary discomfort of direct communication. Most people appreciate honesty and directness, even when the message is difficult.
As you integrate this shadow, you'll discover that direct communication, while initially scary, creates more intimacy and less drama than triangulation ever could. Your courage to speak directly invites others to do the same, creating more authentic relationships.
The world needs people who can communicate directly with kindness. Your journey from triangulation to direct communication models healthy conflict resolution for others who also learned indirect patterns.
"The shortest distance between two people is a direct conversation spoken with love."
Healthy advice-seeking involves talking to trusted friends to gain perspective on your own behavior and communication, with the intention of returning to address the issue directly. Triangulation involves complaining about someone to others without ever addressing the issue with the person directly, or using others to send messages for you. Ask yourself: Am I seeking insight to help me communicate better, or am I avoiding communication altogether? Am I venting to feel better, or am I working toward resolution? If you keep talking about the person to others without ever talking to them directly, you're triangulating.
This is completely valid. Many people learned triangulation as a genuine survival strategy in families where direct communication led to violence, punishment, or emotional abuse. Your pattern made perfect sense in that context. The work now is recognizing that while it was adaptive then, it may be creating problems in present relationships where direct communication is actually safe. Start with low-stakes conversations in relationships where you feel reasonably secure, and gradually build your capacity for directness. You may also benefit from working with a therapist who understands family systems and trauma.
When someone starts complaining to you about another person, you can gently redirect them: "Have you talked to [person] directly about this?" or "I'm not comfortable being in the middle of this. I think you should address this with them directly." If they continue, you can set a firmer boundary: "I care about you both and I'm not going to discuss this further until you've talked to them." Refusing to participate in triangulation helps break the pattern and encourages healthier communication. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it's one of the most helpful things you can do.
You can only control your own behavior, not theirs. If you're attempting direct communication and they continue triangulating — sending messages through others, refusing to engage, or involving third parties — you've done your part. You can set boundaries around the triangulation: "I'm willing to discuss this directly with you, but I'm not going to communicate through [third party]." Sometimes people need to see the pattern modeled repeatedly before they feel safe enough to try it themselves. Other times, their commitment to triangulation tells you important information about whether the relationship can become healthier.
There are situations where involving a third party is necessary and healthy: seeking therapy to work through relational issues, asking a mediator to facilitate difficult conversations, consulting HR about workplace conflicts, or protecting yourself from an abusive person by not engaging directly. The key difference is intentionality and safety. Healthy triangulation (better called "seeking support" or "mediation") is transparent, focused on resolution, and respects everyone's dignity. Unhealthy triangulation is secretive, avoidant, and often creates more conflict than it resolves. If you're involving a third party to avoid all direct communication indefinitely, that's triangulation. If you're involving them to facilitate eventual direct communication or to protect yourself from harm, that's appropriate help-seeking.
Breaking automatic triangulation requires building awareness and developing new neural pathways. Start by noticing the urge to triangulate before acting on it. When you feel the impulse to complain to a third party, pause and ask: "Can I address this directly with the person involved?" Practice scripting direct conversations before having them. Start with low-stakes situations to build confidence. Expect discomfort—direct communication will feel vulnerable and scary initially, especially if triangulation has been your primary conflict strategy. Consider working with a therapist who can help you identify the fear driving the avoidance and teach you healthy communication skills. Over time, as you experience that direct communication usually goes better than your anxious imagination predicts, the triangulation impulse weakens. Celebrate each time you choose directness over triangulation; you're literally rewiring your brain.
Family systems often have deeply entrenched triangulation patterns. When a family member tries to pull you into their conflict with someone else, you can set a boundary: "I understand you're upset with [person], but I think you need to talk to them directly. I'm not comfortable being in the middle." If they persist, you can firmly but kindly disengage: "I care about both of you, but I'm not going to be a messenger or mediator. When you've talked to them directly, I'm happy to support you." Expect pushback—families resist change, especially from the person who's always played the mediator role. You might be accused of not caring or abandoning them. Stay firm. Over time, people will learn you're not available for triangulation. This is particularly important if you grew up in a triangulated family system; breaking the pattern is how you avoid replicating it in your own relationships.
Workplace triangulation is rampant because many organizations lack clear conflict resolution processes and because directness can feel professionally risky. People fear that addressing concerns directly might damage relationships, hurt careers, or create awkwardness in ongoing work relationships. So instead, they complain to colleagues, involve supervisors in peer issues, or spread concerns through informal channels. This creates toxic work cultures where trust erodes and problems never get truly resolved. If you're triangulating at work, assess whether direct communication is actually unsafe or whether you're avoiding discomfort. In most cases, professional direct communication ("Can we talk about the project deadline? I'm concerned about the timeline...") is not only acceptable but valued. Reserve involving management for serious issues that genuinely require intervention. If your workplace culture is so toxic that direct communication is punished, the problem is the culture, not your communication—and it might be time to find a healthier environment.
This is nuanced. Healthy venting involves processing your feelings with a trusted friend to gain perspective and emotional regulation before addressing an issue directly. Triangulation is complaining repeatedly to others with no intention of direct communication, or using friends to send messages or gather information. Ask yourself: Am I venting to process so I can communicate better, or am I venting to avoid communicating at all? Am I seeking perspective on my own behavior, or just seeking validation for my position? Do I plan to address this directly, or am I using venting as a substitute for resolution? Healthy venting is time-limited and includes self-reflection; triangulation is chronic and focuses exclusively on others' faults. It's also about reciprocity—healthy friendships involve mutual venting; triangulated relationships involve one person constantly using others as emotional dumping grounds for unresolved conflicts.
Fear of others' reactions is often what drives triangulation. First, distinguish between realistic fear (this person has been violent or abusive) and anxious anticipation (I'm imagining catastrophic outcomes that are unlikely). If the fear is realistic, direct communication might not be safe—in those cases, protective strategies aren't triangulation. If the fear is anxious anticipation, practice anyway despite the discomfort. Use "I" statements: "I felt hurt when..." instead of "You always...". Focus on specific behaviors rather than character attacks. Give the person space to respond without immediately defending yourself. Remember that you can't control their reaction, only your communication. Often, the imagined catastrophe doesn't occur—most people appreciate directness even when the message is difficult. If someone consistently reacts poorly to honest, kind communication, that tells you something important about whether they're capable of healthy relationship. The goal isn't to make them happy; it's to be honest and authentic in your communication.
Growing up in a triangulated family system teaches you that direct communication is unsafe or ineffective. You might have watched adults avoid each other while complaining to you about each other, or you might have been used as a messenger between warring parents. This creates several lasting impacts: difficulty trusting your own perceptions (because you learned people say one thing to your face and another behind your back), chronic anxiety about relationships (because conflict was never resolved, only displaced), and difficulty with direct confrontation (because it wasn't modeled). You might automatically triangulate without realizing it because that's the relationship language you learned. Adult children of triangulated families often benefit from family systems therapy to understand how these patterns shaped them and to consciously develop healthier communication strategies. The good news is that awareness and intentional practice can break these intergenerational patterns.
Yes, though therapy accelerates the process significantly. Self-directed work on triangulation includes: reading about family systems theory and triangulation dynamics, developing awareness of when you're triangulating or being triangulated, practicing direct communication in low-stakes situations, learning assertive communication skills through books or courses, and setting boundaries when others try to triangulate you. Journaling can help you identify patterns and plan direct conversations. Having honest conversations with trusted friends about this pattern can provide accountability. However, if your triangulation stems from trauma, if you have significant anxiety about direct communication, or if you're deeply entrenched in triangulated family systems, therapy provides tools and support that self-work alone might not. Family systems therapy, in particular, helps you understand the larger patterns at play. Consider therapy not as a sign of failure but as an investment in developing skills you weren't taught.
Last updated: January 15, 2025
This article reflects the latest research in depth psychology and shadow work practices.